Are you too quick to spot red flags?

“Red flags” have become part of our everyday language, a shorthand for protecting ourselves from harm. In so many ways, that awareness is important.

But as a therapist, I’ve been reflecting on what might be getting lost when we are constantly scanning for the first sign of discomfort and walking away.

Not every difficult behaviour is a warning sign of danger.

Sometimes the person who cancels last minute is managing a chronic illness they haven’t shared yet. The person who struggles to open up may have been hurt in ways that taught them it wasn’t safe to do so. The person who seems distant may be overwhelmed, not disinterested.

If we treat every imperfection as a red flag, we risk creating relationships that only survive under ideal conditions. That leaves very little room for being human.

This doesn’t mean ignoring true red flags or tolerating harm. Boundaries still matter. Safety still matters.

But perhaps the question we should be asking is not just, “Is this a red flag?” but also, “What might be underneath this?”, “Is this a pattern or a moment?” and “Is there space for curiosity before judgment?”

Healthy relationships are not built on perfection. They are built on understanding, communication, and repair.

If we want connection, we may need to tolerate some uncertainty, some discomfort, and some humanity along the way.

Because if we eliminate everyone at the first sign of difficulty, we may also be eliminating the very relationships that could have grown into something meaningful.